a little bit of summer, a little bit of spring

I am feeling nostalgic for my life a year ago. This is a a re-occurring issue. My state of mind, my level of excitement, confidence and inspiration for the future that I was embarking on then and am currently living now; not quite what I had in mind. Then, living on the outskirts of a different life; an imaginary life that i found so captivating and invigorating. A life that was raw and exciting. untouched, unknown. 

In ways I consider myself having the same psyche as Paul Gauguin; always wanting more; and ultimately he never found what he was looking for, and as I go through life I wonder If the same will become of me.

I remember days when it was just getting warm; the days were getting longer the hunger to be outside, the wild things. (On a side note I consider summer to bring out the most sinister people in all of us, as winter turns everyone into their own version of a hermit.)

note.

Its important for me to distance myself from the complexities of my own life that drive me to make art. Instead, I find it more effective to find parallels between those issues and things that are more gentile, prettier. Windows, nature, etc. 

what am i trying to do? (first draft of thesis)

In a very vague sense; I am interested in the relationships that people are involved in, and how they have changed/stayed the same with time/throughout history(*)

(*)I believe that my generation, tho seemingly more sexually/romantically open-minded, is jaded with relational delinquency as well as dissatisfaction. More people are just not satisfied, everyone has an issue with their romantic situation. So may people seem alone, and/or have no desire to share a future with another human being. This bothers me because of my own ideals (***)that have manifested through my own personal up-bringing.

(***)Ideals play a big role

Including but not limited to;

Relationships with family, with lovers, with friends (not so much the people themselves but rather the relationship one has with the  ideas/thoughts they associate with the person) 

More Specifically: Relationships with memories, with feelings, moments, 

Relationships with ones self and with one's sences.

(the things one tends to notice/remember)

I try to confront these issues by providing or in some cases merely implying  a multi-dimensional environment/setting or space which lends itself as a venue to sit back and just feel something. 

A setting for a narrative that the viewer can themselves, complete. 

I am hoping to let the viewer feel comfortable/vulnerable enough to focus not so much on what is in front of them (******) but rather  what is inside of them/ what it makes them think/feel

**** The visual aspect (what i am presenting the viewer with) would be atmospheric, ambient, having a certain fluidity that is meant to sooth and calm. 

More Specifically: imagery of windows(**)

**Windows;

For this project, I would like to  simmulate the enviroment of a room/bedroom. An architecturaly simlple/plain room, one that can be easily identified as.

Romanticized memories that are fuzzy and vague /accessible enough for the viewer to use it as a foundation from which to re-build their own story/memory off of.  

issues/questions I am asking myself:

I am interested in addressing the intent/process. I want to address the fact that I have spent time to re-make a memory, to place importance on re-making/ re-modeling of memories, the importance, if not just the dire need to remember things as a human being.

experience that is fabricated from the fragments of memories as I recall them.

considering that the memories are only my versions of a history of moments. 

current/previous work;

I beileve the ideas and intent are strong, yet become hindered by the carrying out/presentation of the work itself; which often times seems unfinished or not totally realized. This is an issue I am struggling with because I myself beileve I am finished, yet the viewers want more. I have to decided weather or not the idea of something being unfinished is a deliberate characteristic of the work; in which case  it needs to be investigated further and executed in a way that seems more intentional. 

My process as an artist begins with feeling and impulses. The ones that I choose to investigate are often connected to a memory that I try to re-create visually, often in a (photo)graphic manner

some observations

I get the feeling that in this life, people are often times un-fulfilled, more specifically in matters of love than anything else. Everybody around me including myself has a story and though they all differ, their is the one thing that is stringing them together - the painfully clear negative undertones of loss and discontent. Weather the person is unhappy in a relationship or unhappy alone, unhappily bouncing back and forth between lovers, or what have you - there is always something. In fact it is so common that I feel that my generation is permanently tinted with relational dissatisfaction - a generation that seems jaded. Its so sad.